Sometimes I am able to stuff all of the emotional pain in box and put it on a shelf (so to speak) in an effort to resume some sense of normalcy in our lives again. Other times, the hurt is so painful or the anger runs so deep that I know it would be best just to stay in bed for the day....rather than affect the ones around me.
Craig is good...he'll often take the boys downstairs in the morning for some breakfast and to watch a little tv. It's usually just enough time for me to clear my head, read a devotional, and put it all in 'the box'. However, there are days when the weight of all of this is too heavy for my weak shoulders. On those days, Craig will often come to the side of the bed and softly say something like, "What's wrong, you seem blah today". And, I just want to shout..."WHAT DO YOU THINK IS WRONG?...DON'T YOU KNOW I HAVE A CHILD GROWING INSIDE OF ME, MOVING INSIDE OF ME, THAT I WILL NEVER GET TO MOTHER. ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?". Yup, those are the bad moments. And, then there are the sad moments. The moments when too much is too much...and a single tear will fall opening the floodgates. And, I'll continue to cry for what seems like no reason at all and every reason under the sun.
I like the days when everything fits nicely in that box on the shelf. Maybe it's denial. Maybe it's God's grace giving me a little time to recoup. Maybe it's a little of both. Anyways, we had wanted to take the boys to Dutch Wonderland this summer and time was running out. So, on a last minute burst of I don't know what, we made reservations and headed to Lancaster, PA. We had two great days. I was tired, but the box held up well during the trip. The first day, we spent 8 hours at the amuzement park and the boys loved every moment of it. The next day we spent swimming in the hotel pool, hitting some outlet stores for back-to-school shopping, and browsing our favorite Amish stores.