One woman wrote in yesterday and I related so very much to the emotions she was trying to articulate. I recalled a moment that helped me share my feelings with Craig:
Shopping one evening, a lantern covered with mosiac tiles caught my eye, and I thought....that's exactly how I feel.....completely and utterly BROKEN; just like the tiles on that lantern. And, each little piece of my broken self represents an emotion; sorrow, depression, denial, anger, bitterness, guilt, feeling terrified, short-termperness, maybe even a tiny bit of hope, etc. And, moment by moment, my attitude can change depending on which piece is front and center. A friend said, "That's right...but, God will take those pieces and put them back together making something more beautiful...just like that artist made the lantern. And, then His light will be able to better shine through you, just like it does through the cracks between the tiles on the lantern". When I read stories from other moms who have walked a similar journey, I can see that "everything does work together for good", but right now, it just hurts so much.
I too struggle with so many things....like (1) finding just the right words to explain this situation to my 5yr old who asks about the baby often and prays for him/her to get better, (2) finding a compassionate and skilled ob/gyn, (3) facing others who don't see any value in continuing, (4) my own fears about delivery complications and future pregnancies should we ever be brave enough to try again, and (5) anxiousness about what it will feel like to let my own baby be cradled in the arms of Jesus while mine remain empty.
We are certainly taking the "Road Less Traveled" here. I know God's grace is sufficient to meet us each and every day and I know He can give us the peace that surpasses all understanding. I also know I can come to Him with big crocodile tears, kicking and screaming like a 2yr old...and He can take it! : ) He will continue to hold us in the palm of His hand and collect every tear in a bottle, so long as we continue to lean on Him throughout this journey.